Saturday, March 20, 2010

Who's That Girl????

I've had a really strange week - I discovered I am suffering an identity crisis. I had been really freaked out and was feeling quite low about it all. The more weight I am losing, the more my skin is getting worse and the more I wasn't liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I had even gotten to the point where if someone commented on how I looked, I just changed the subject and didn't even acknowledge it. I had an awesome chat to Jodie the other night and worked through it and I have to say that we came to some very interesting conclusions! (Thanks Jodes - you are bloody awesome!!). I haven't been at this weight since I can't even tell you. I can only guess that it was probably when I was about 18 or 19, so nearly 20 years ago! Naturally I was a completely different person back then so now I find myself in a place where I'm not sure where I fit in now that I have lost all this weight. Sometimes I think just shut the hell up, you've lost all this weight, you should be happy and stop carrying on like an idiot! But, it's really affected me lately. I think it's because now I have to stop and think I'm not that person anymore and if I'm not that person, well then who am I? For so long I have been overweight, losing weight, putting on weight, dieting, thinking about dieting,'m almost at a place where I don't have to think about that anymore. Obviously I know I am essentially the same person inside, the one that counts the most and I haven't changed in that regard, but I need to work on how I see myself, how I feel about myself and most importantly, I have to let go of that old person and realise that she's no longer here and embrace the new person that I am becoming. It's been extremely confronting, but the best part about it, is that not once I have felt the need to turn to food for comfort. That is a massive step for me and something I am extremely happy and proud about!!

I'm sure all of this hasn't been helped by the challenge I put to myself to lose 6kgs in 6 weeks, which actually doesn't seem like a ridiculous stretch target, but I think it's started to send me back to the bad old days where I was obsessed about counting calories, counting fat grams, was I doing enough exercise and all the madness that goes along with that! I got the Lap Band for a lot of VERY good reasons and one of the main ones was so I didn't have to go through that craziness anymore! I used to be the one who was not so concerned about what the numbers said on the scale, but rather about how I looked in my clothes and I've really gotten away from that of late. So for now, I'm just going to work on letting go of the past and embracing the future!!

Has anyone else gone through something similar?? Would love to hear your thoughts!


Saturday, March 13, 2010


I haven't updated lately because I really don't have a great deal to say!!

I am on track to reach my goal of 6kgs lost before Easter, which is also my birthday and that means I'll be in the 70s, which is completely phenomenal and really exciting, but I just feel quite flat about it all to be honest. This week proved a little harder though and I'm going to have to put in some super effort to continue on to keep dropping the weight. It definitely gets harder the lower you get. I think some of my blah feelings around it all is that I saw some photos of myself that were taken at a work volunteer day last week and I went 'oh, I thought I looked better than that'!! Totally crazy and then got me to thinking about how I looked 47kgs ago!! Blech. Some days I think gee I look good and am revelling in how far I have come and then other days I feel like I haven't even lost a pound. Crazy I know and I'm trying to cut myself some slack about it. I think that it's pretty hard to change 20 years of thinking in even the nearly 18 months since I've had the Lap Band and it's something I'm continuing to work on and improve.

In totally excellent, very exciting and awesome news - Jodie is pregnant!!! I'm so happy for her (and Shawn), they have been trying for so long and I'm glad it's finally happening for them. Now that she's 15 weeks and going really strong, she's back in amongst the blog world, so check out what's going on with her here.

Hope everyone is going well!


Saturday, February 20, 2010

A good week!

I lost 1 kg (2.2pds) this week!! That may not sound like a lot to some of you, but that's pretty good for me, especially as I think the lower you get, the harder you have to work to get it off. I made a decision to try and eat as well as I could, cut out most of the crap and I didn't even up my exercise intensity. It's 6 weeks until my birthday and I want to lose 6kgs in 6 weeks. I stuffed up my calculations and now I only have to lose 5kgs in the next 6 weeks so that's nice to have up my sleeve. The good news about this is that it means I am official over 100 pounds weight loss (102) - yay!!! I am also getting close to 50kg weight loss - 46.4kg at the moment. I'm getting close to the 70s too. Probably haven't been there since I was a teenager, that is incredible to me. It's funny that all the milestones come pretty close together.

The new job is going really well. All the people are nice and I'm slowly getting a handle on what the hell it actually is that I'm supposed to be doing! I even got paid for 3 days yesterday when I thought it wasn't going to be until next Tuesday so that was a bit of a bonus!

I think I'm developing a bit of a shopping obsession! I can't help myself! I've been buying quite a few new clothes of late and went to the shops again today and brought a few more tops. I'm not worried about it, I'm enjoying the fact that I can actually find things, it's all very new to me!! Bring it on I say!!

I brought a new house in October last year and spent quite a bit of money renovating it. Now that it's all done, I've decided this is the year for renovations on myself!! :) I've been wearing contact lenses since I was about 14 so I want to get eye laser surgery done, I so want to look at the clock radio in the middle of the night and know what time it is!!! I also want to get my teeth whitened and plastic surgery. As controversial at it is, I feel like I need to do it to complete the journey. The more weight I lose, the more loose skin that appears :( One of the worst areas are my arms, I don't even feel like I can wear singlet tops because I don't feel comfortable with the bat wings flying around! I don't want to have to go through all of this and not feel like I can wear bloody sleeveless tops, that's just crazy!!!! Bloody genetics, bloody age and bloody being overweight for so long! I knew it was going to be unavoidable. Aaarrggghh. It's a bit of a way off though so we'll see what happens later on.

Hope everyone's journey is going fabulously!


Sunday, January 31, 2010

It's Official.....I'm a size 14 (woot woot!!!)

Yay!! How exciting! I went on a marathon shopping spree yesterday to buy some new clothes for this job I'm starting next week, there was barely anything in my wardrobe that still fit. Every single piece of clothing I brought - tops and bottoms - from an array of shops - were all size 14!! Very happy about that! I even got a few size 12 singlet tops to wear under jackets that were a stretchy type material too!

It got me to thinking and I was saying to my Mum that this will be the first time in over 10 years that I'll be starting a new job where the people will only see me as I am today. They won't know I've lost nearly 45kgs (99 pds), they won't know that I've been a thousand different sizes over the last 10 years, that I've been on a million different diets and that I've put on and lost the same 20 - 30kgs a hundred times over!! It's a nice feeling and gives me so much confidence.

Even though it's still summer & still quite warm in this part of the world, I was also thinking that I can't wait until winter so I can buy some boots. I've never been able to wear boots because my calves have always been too big, but not this year! Something else to look forward to.

It was so nice to be able to walk into any shop and know I'd be able to find something that would fit! There have been too many times in the past where I walked away from a failed shopping attempt empty handed (and in tears), even when I had said to myself that I will spend any amount of money, just as long as I could find something that would fit! I am so glad those days are gone and they will never return. I love my band so much :)

I've also been giving some thought to my 'goal weight', I've never set it in stone because I never knew what I would look like so it's always been a wait and see proposition. I have had in my head lately that I've got about 10-15kgs to go. Today I was at the shops with Jodes having lunch and was telling her about the size 14 triumph and we were discussing how in Australia, the 'average' size woman is a size 14. I decided that I reckon I'd be happy when I can fit into a size 12 pair of Target pants that I like and have always worn bigger sizes of. They had 20% off so I brought a pair and I've decided that when they fit, I'm done! It doesn't matter what number comes up on the scale whenever it is that they fit, I'll be happy. I've never thought I wanted to be a size 10 or size 8, I just don't think it would be me to be that small & I have big kahunas so I'd like to look like I'm in some kind of proportion!! That's the plan anyway, we'll see what happens :)

Much thought and reflection going on of late - I am very proud of myself!

Have a great week everyone!


Monday, January 25, 2010



I hope everyone is doing well! Had a few interesting things going on of late. I finally got a job - at one of the big 4 banks here in Australia and now I'm just waiting to go through a probity check to ensure everything is ok - I'm sure it will be, there isn't a criminal record I'm unaware of :) Hopefully I will start next Monday or probably a few days later as tomorrow is Australia Day here and a public holiday so will lose a day of checking. I'll have had nearly 7 weeks off and it hasn't been all that relaxing with the stress of having to look for work, not to mention no money coming in so it's not like I'm out shopping up a storm or anything!

On Friday I had to go sign my new contract so it was a good chance to catch up with my friends who work in the city that I haven't seen for awhile. All of them were raving about how much weight I'd lost to the point where it actually made me a bit uncomfortable! I think it's because I see myself everyday and some days I think I'm getting places and other days I feel like I haven't achieved a thing! It was nice, but a little full on as well. Maybe because I've been home for nearly 5 weeks and haven't had the same kind of interaction, I think I might've gone into my shell a bit!!

My weight has come down a tiny bit, but has pretty much stayed the same for a few weeks. Today I went shopping & brought a whole stack of healthy food to chow down on. Stacks of protein: eggs, chicken, tuna & turkey and I've spent the last hour chopping up cucumber, onion, carrots & tomatoes while watching Diet Tribe!! (I love that show). Because my band has been so tight, I've been leaning towards the not so good food because they're easier to get down, but I'm sick to death of it so it was nice to get some good things and I'm looking forward to eating them! I'm also trying to drink more water because I know I haven't been having enough and it's been quite warm here.

Have a good week everyone!!


Monday, January 11, 2010

A Good Day.....

So, I had this wedding on Saturday and even though it was HOT, it was nice to get dressed up and felt I looked pretty ok. It was also nice to feel 'normal' and I was nowhere near the biggest person in the room!! That's a good feeling because that wasn't always the case and I used to find that if I wasn't the biggest in nearly every room I walked into, I wasn't far off.

I've posted my before photo (which is completely horrifying, but I have reconciled myself with it because I will NEVER look like that again!!) and a photo my Mum took just before I walked out the door.

Sometimes it's nice to see the comparison so you can really see how far you've come!


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A Quick Update....

Hi Everyone!

Happy New Year! I had to fill in a form today and couldn't believe it when I had to write it was the 6th Jan - time is certainly flying!

My Christmas & New Year were very quiet and for once in my life my weight has continued to drop - hurrah! This is mostly due to the fact that I'm still pretty stressed because of the job situation (or lack of one really). Things are slowly starting to progress on the job front, but as much as I'm trying to 'not worry' and 'enjoy my time off', the band has other ideas! It's still quite tight and I haven't been able to eat a great deal and I just don't feel like it. I was meant to go to the Doctor tomorrow, but given I'm still continuing to lose and I don't need any fill in or out, I cancelled it. I will have to go to the next one though because I need to keep monitoring with blood tests. I'm losing on average about 1kg a week (2.2 pds) so ok with that for now. The more I lose though, the more I am noticing excess skin - BOO!! Can't be surprised though, you can't be that overweight for that long and expect not to have any. Not to mention age is not on my side (or genetics, thansk Mum!!)

I've got a wedding this Saturday and it's going to be HOT - 38 degrees (or 100.4F for my friends not in this part of the world!). I feel sorry for the Bride and all the guys suited up, going to be shocking! These are people I work with and none of them know I have the Band and it's going to be hard to eat anything. I haven't 100% decided, but I am thinking about making this the year that I don't mind telling anyone I have a Lap Band. I'll let you know what happens - whether I chicken out or not! I'm also going to be taking some updated 'after' photos which I might put on here, but will go on the website, because I have definitely lost a bit since then.

Hope you're all well.


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

You win some :) You lose some :(

Well it's been an interesting and full on week. My weight has come down and not only am I in ONEDERLAND, but I'm also under 90kgs!!! It's funny because we don't deal in pounds here in Australia, but kilograms and I've never given alot of thought to what I weighed in pounds until I did Michael Thurmond's 6 week body makeover (another diet, which actually did work and had pretty good principles and I lost 20kgs and then put back on 30kg :) and was on the forums there that they talked about this 'onederland' a bit. So I have been keeping my eye on the day that I would reach that goal and here it is! Hence, the winning part of the title. Also being under 90kgs isn't somewhere I've been for over 10 years so it was nice to see that on the scales this morning. I even took a photo, which I was going to post, but I have no idea where the lead is for the computer because I've just moved. I'm pretty happy about it, but it's mostly stress related and I've hardly been able to eat anything.

Now onto the losing part (and I don't mean weight). I got told on Monday that my contract is finishing on Thursday and won't be extended until February, which I was told it was going to be. Merry *^@#$%! Christmas!!! I'm so pissed off because I got headhunted for another role a few weeks ago and I knocked it back because I was supposed to have this role until Feb. That will teach me for doing the right thing!! I just wish I had've known about this weeks ago instead of finding out the week of Christmas. Of course everything shuts down and nothing will happen until the 4th, but it will more likely be even later than that. There's nothing I can do about it, it's the worst time of the year to be out of work. Another reason I'm so bummed is that I moved house recently and have done alot of renovations on it and spent alot of money, including a new kitchen, which is being finalised today and now I have no job, no income and no idea when I will!!! I have got some money saved so I am trying to think positive and just take advantage of the enforced break and enjoy it. So naturally, my Band friend has tightened right up and I can barely eat anything. Not that I want to anyway because I just feel ill and have that awful, sick feeling constantly in my tummy.

Oh well, let's hope 2010 will be a better year. I'll be putting in major efforts to get up and flying so I won't have to rely on other people for work and make it happen myself!!

Have a very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year everyone!!!!


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Groundhog Day.....

So I went to see the lovely Dr Caroline and after discussing the events of 2 weeks ago, she was more than happy to put .1ml back in the band. Given I don't experience any reflux issues she knows I won't abuse the band so back in it went! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference though! I definitely don't have the same level of restriction that I had last time and my weight has pretty much remained the same. I have to confess that I realised I had slipped back into some old habits and was eating too much snacky junky type food so this week I'm making an effort to do less of that as well as I think I had also been 'drinking' far too many calories which don't keep the hunger at bay for long enough! So I'm making an effort with that as well. Hopefully it pays off!

Hope everyone is having a great week!


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Ho, Hum....

I haven't posted this week, mostly because I don't have a lot to say really. I know - how boring! To be honest , this week I've been struggling a bit because the loss of .1ml out of my band seems to have made such a difference where I haven't really lost any weight and I have even been fluctuating putting on! Not to mention I can eat more Devastated!

The good news is that I'm going to see the lovely Dr Caroline tomorrow and will have a good chat with her. I've also had a migraine for the last 3 days so that has knocked me around a bit. I feel better today, but am now very tired and can't wait for this week to be over. The more I thought about my last appointment a few weeks ago, the more I get annoyed. Although I know I had been quite tight and not able to eat a lot, I was happy with that because I was getting the results and combined with the thyroid treatment I've been taken I know I had a decent loss. So to have basically stayed the same the last 2 weeks is frustrating. That is the first time I'd seen that Doctor and she doesn't know me from a bar of soap or anything about my history so I should have spoken up. Although she is supposed to be the expert and who am I to question her?! I guess I know my own body best so I should have said something. I didn't because I knew I was coming back in 2 weeks so not a lot could happen. I will discuss with the Dr tomorrow who I have a good history with and see what she thinks. It had taken me a good 6 months to get to what I considered 'ideal restriction' and to lose it again from a measly .1ml out is really quite astonishing.

I still have a good 15kg - 20kg (at least 33 pds) that I want to lose and my BMI is around 34 so I am still classed as obese!!! One thing that annoys me about my surgery centre is that once you have lost 50% of your excess weight they class you as a success. Well I don't know about you, but although I am very proud of myself for the weight I have lost so far, I would hardly consider still being obese, a 'success'. I don't want to be 2 years own the track from my surgery and still trying to lose the last 10kgs.

Not a bad post from someone with nothing to say!!

Hope all is well with everyone :)