Saturday, March 20, 2010

Who's That Girl????

I've had a really strange week - I discovered I am suffering an identity crisis. I had been really freaked out and was feeling quite low about it all. The more weight I am losing, the more my skin is getting worse and the more I wasn't liking what I was seeing in the mirror. I had even gotten to the point where if someone commented on how I looked, I just changed the subject and didn't even acknowledge it. I had an awesome chat to Jodie the other night and worked through it and I have to say that we came to some very interesting conclusions! (Thanks Jodes - you are bloody awesome!!). I haven't been at this weight since I can't even tell you. I can only guess that it was probably when I was about 18 or 19, so nearly 20 years ago! Naturally I was a completely different person back then so now I find myself in a place where I'm not sure where I fit in now that I have lost all this weight. Sometimes I think just shut the hell up, you've lost all this weight, you should be happy and stop carrying on like an idiot! But, it's really affected me lately. I think it's because now I have to stop and think I'm not that person anymore and if I'm not that person, well then who am I? For so long I have been overweight, losing weight, putting on weight, dieting, thinking about dieting,'m almost at a place where I don't have to think about that anymore. Obviously I know I am essentially the same person inside, the one that counts the most and I haven't changed in that regard, but I need to work on how I see myself, how I feel about myself and most importantly, I have to let go of that old person and realise that she's no longer here and embrace the new person that I am becoming. It's been extremely confronting, but the best part about it, is that not once I have felt the need to turn to food for comfort. That is a massive step for me and something I am extremely happy and proud about!!

I'm sure all of this hasn't been helped by the challenge I put to myself to lose 6kgs in 6 weeks, which actually doesn't seem like a ridiculous stretch target, but I think it's started to send me back to the bad old days where I was obsessed about counting calories, counting fat grams, was I doing enough exercise and all the madness that goes along with that! I got the Lap Band for a lot of VERY good reasons and one of the main ones was so I didn't have to go through that craziness anymore! I used to be the one who was not so concerned about what the numbers said on the scale, but rather about how I looked in my clothes and I've really gotten away from that of late. So for now, I'm just going to work on letting go of the past and embracing the future!!

Has anyone else gone through something similar?? Would love to hear your thoughts!


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